Been so bored lately, my moms been coming home and sleeping, and I'm alone at home foe the rest of the day. I'm planning on doing my christmas shopping tomorrow. So that will be a change of scenery. Also, my sister is coming home on saturday, I want to have her gift ready by tomorrow evening.

I've been thinking about the relationship that I'm in right now. Being an idealistic person I realize that I suffer from a severe case of denial ALOT. I'm spending break away from my boyfriend, hes in Korea so I can't even call him, we talk on msn and post to eachother on facebook every now and then though. I can usually never reach him on his phone. There was a lot of times I needed my bf and he just wasn't there for me, my grandmother died and I ran out into the rain at 2 in the morning looking for him but he never answered his calls or the door to his apartment. I had to sleepover at my friends place and I met him the next morning. It was just hard realizing that he isn't there for me when I really need him. But he did say he wanted to change that, he said he wants to be around more and make our next quarter in school the best one yet. I hope it happens. I tend to wander when I'm not happy with the relationship I'm in, its not a good trait, and I should work harder on my part too, I know this for a fact.

PLUS I need to concentrate om school, I got a D in calculus. this doesn't put me on academic probation but it does make me retake the class, I also need more credits. *sigh* I wish I had the ambition that i had in high school. I also need to declare my major soon and my schedule for winter quarter is near murderous. I'm trying to keep it light with a couple dance classes, bikram yoga so I don't get flabby but it is still going to suck everything out of me.

I just want to be successful....

1. FIND A JOB.
2. My Academics come First.
3. Be more social and less self lothing. 
4. TRY not to procrastinate.

 Total Intake: 1000 cals 

So I went a over my limit today, and I haven't written in a while because I've been traveling. I'm at my dads house now, honestly its kinda boring... I don't know anyone in  New Jersey and my dads out working all day so I basically watch tv,  then exercise, then take a shower, then watch more tv and then go shopping.... it really can't get more boring than that...so I don't have much to write about either... watched MTV's "Gs to Gents" and theres a really cute guy in it....

okay im officially out of stuff to say...... ill be baaccckkk

Breakfast: nothing
Lunch: nothing
Dinner: 500cals french fries, 240cals half a burger
Total: 740cals

I've not been that bad today... I'm  trying not to think about how much fat there was the crap I ate... thanks to my stupidity i only slip up on foods composed of more that 50% fat. And just as I thought of purging it out, my mother and sister come home.... just great fucking timing.....

So I am planning to take a different route... I will eat something healthy, like a carrot  in the afternoon around 1 or 2pm.... that way I wouldn't have to grovel for food in the evenings... and I will actually do something right

Breakfast: nothing
Lunch: Nothing
Dinner: 700 cals 32oz water
Total: 700cals

I was doing fine all day, i woke up and ignored breakfast, I wasn't even hungry around lunch... but dinner... dinner time I i forked down on a pudding cup... which effeciently had 700 cals in it.... this is absolutely disgusting... I shouldn't even have drank all that water, or I would have been able to purge it out easier... i tried to purge it out after but not much came out... i feel sick and bloated and full...  it actually feels like i have gained 5lbs, my stomach is all swollen and pudging out like a balloon....
god i hate myself!!!!

Breakfast: water
Lunch: Almond Milk: 60cals  Rice: 170 cals   Potatoe: 30cals
Dinner: Protien Bar: 180cals Indian Food: 120+ 380 = 500
Total: 940cals

Since I failed at my water fast, I  have taken in calories today... 
but that isn't the worst of my issues. I got my period for the first time in 5 months... 
It is absolutely disgusting and I am rediculously ashamed.... I feel bloated full and obese but i crave food at the same time...
Since I was on my period i started craving sweets and fatty things I was dying for indian food... I don't know why but the spicy, warm taste makes me crave it quite a bit.
So, This morning I woke up to a horrible stomach ache, I decided to stay in bed and ended up waking up at around 11am. I went into the kitched and pourred me a glass of cold water, then went to to my laptop to check my emails...about half an hour later the cramps got much worse and I felt dizzy, I drank another cup of water and decided to take a shower to relieve the pain... I ended up throwing up bent over the toilet bowl as soon as i stepped out of the shower. I still had the cramps so I took this pain reliever my mom brought me and placed a heating pad on my tummy... it put me back to sleep and i woke up around 3pm. As soon as i woke up again, I felt very hungry, my mother had cooked lunch and expected me to eat it... I ended up slowing devouring an entire bowl of rice and half a baked potatoe... to make things worse i craved something sugary so I drank a glass of almond milk reassuring myself that it was healthy and good for me.... Later that night I forced my self into the kitchen and lterally stuffed an entire protien bar into my mouth... then ate indian food.....

I feel like i have eaten more than i have consumed in the past 2 weeks today, it feels horrible and just plain wrong.... why don't I have the strength to control those cravings? and if i had been doing things right... i wouldnt have to deal with my period today... but no, im me and i fuck shit up all the time... I keep praying for the power to make myself a better person, but every attempt has failed.... 

i am going back to my "water fast" tomorrow...  its 5am here, i should be getting to bed

<3 Shar

today has really been like the best day ever, so this morning i woke up around 10am, i drank 3 cups of water and then read a book, i headed off to the gym around 1pm, i ran 5k and did about 120 sit ups... 
i come back home and my mother was like "if you dont eat luch we'll have to take you to the doctors to put food into you".... she left to go shopping with my sister, so i wrapped some veggies with toilet paper and threw them into the garbage, i flushed some rice down the toilet and i drained some soda in the sink. Then i spread some stuff on a plate and left it on the end table to make it look like i had eaten, im very pleased with how well that went, no one suspected a thing.
but then she made me taste this indian fried fritter thing, which really scares me because i dont even know whats in them but indian food is like my weakness... i took one bite and disappeared into my room to throw it away
so wonderful, except that my stomach is growling and i spent half the day with hiccups >.<

Intake: 60 cals...so far (two cookies)
Burn: 0 cals... BUT im gonna work out this evening as usual and I will burn!!

Its lunch time again and I just slink off to my room and post on here... I can't believe its snowing again!!! I want it to stop!!
My math teacher gave us those cookies, they were homebaked but I counted the calories of 2 oreo cookies to substitute for it. My day has been uneventful boring and lame as usual.... 
my teacher asked me what I want to do when I grow up.. and i was just completely lost!! I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA!!
OMFG I am so fucking screwed!! 
well, I have always wanted to be a  Pysician (Psychiatry) but i don't know if I can pay for school for that long of a time... maybe I could  go into fashion....
I'm so average at everything that it  feels like I just don't have a place really....
i dont want to be homeless when i grow up

so far(11:25am): 150 calories
--> 1 ganola bar
rest of the day: NOTHING... (hopefully)

I promised myself I would restrict and have self control. Why that does always turn into stuffing what ever I can find into my fat pie hole? I WILL have self Control, I WILL be strong, I WILL be thin!